All posts by Dave

I'm a whirling dervish of emotion, underambitiously attend Ramapo College, uncomfortable obsession with the Yanks, everyday survivor of Brooklyn Nets fandom

Extreme Makeover: Brooklyn Nets Edition a Production by Sean Marks

A little over a week ago, Nets point guard/ Chinese version of a Greek god/ Zohan hair model, Jeremy Lin spoke on behalf of the Brooklyn Nets when he said, “We’re making the playoffs. I don’t care what anybody else tells me.” And yes, he was talking about the Brooklyn Nets. As a Nets fan, I absolutely love his blind confidence (before anyone makes a remark, thats not a shot at his Chinese heritage) but, if I were to say that I didn’t react even slightly to how 95% of the Twitter world reacted I’d be lying to you. When a massive sports media source like Bleacher Report basically gives you one of theseright.gif

by tweeting out this

It stings a little.

Me and Jeremy both know that the Nets are not a premiere team in the league. We’re not blind to the fact (Again, I swear to God, I’m not being racist) that the Nets chalked up the worst record in the NBA last season. But, there is an o this team has the brightest mind in the NBA when it comes to the front office. When Sean Marks stepped in as the GM of the Brooklyn Nets two years ago, Billy King had left this team Gaddafi’d. Almost any other person would have left this team for dead, giving up and completely tanking until they got back a first round pick in 2019. Not Marks. Over the past two summers, Sean Marks has made something out of utterly nothing. He’s taken this Brooklyn Nets team from the absolute laughing stock of the league to a team with a legitimate chance at a strong future.

How could a man with a worse chance at having his own first round pick than mankind reaching Mars create such a positive stir for this failing franchise? Two strategies as forgotten as the sky hook and the mid range jumper: RFA’s and salary dumps. Don’t look now, but Sean Marks is doing the same thing to the NBA with RFA’s and salary dumps as George Steinbrenner did in the MLB with big free agency signings. Back then, no one made the approach to sign a massive contract to get their man. Steinbrenner revolutionized the league by doing what no one else did and I see a lot of the same qualities in Sean Marks as he leads his own form of a revolution. Marks is going after players like no one else in the league does. He signs small market restricted free agents with high potential to massive deals because of three reasons: The Nets have a surplus of cap space, The Nets don’t need to worry about having big contracts on hand until 2019 when they can officially begin a legitimate rebuild, and, if matched by the players original team, they eliminate that team from contention of other free agents they have mutual interest in by dead-bolting them to these deals to keep their restricted free agent players.

This summer, he’s brought salary dumps into the mix, creating his newest trend. The appeal to other teams is it gives them desperately desired cap space in order to allow them to go after free agents. For the Nets, it gives them players like guard/forward Allen Crabbe (A restricted free agent that they signed last year but his contract was matched), number two pick of the 2015 Draft, D’Angelo Russell, and players who are only a few years removed from being quality starting pieces Timofey Mosgov and Demarre Carroll.

Marks also plays off of the fact that his head coach, Kenny Atkinson was an assistant coach on many of these newly acquired talents. he is credited for playing a huge role in the player development of Mosgov, Carroll and Lin when he worked with the Knicks and Hawks. Atkinson having a young team to himself is a dangerous weapon in and of itself. He practically made those 3 players relevant in the league, and now with young budding talents like Caris Levert, Jarrett Allen and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson pushing at the gate, he can slowly mold this team into a chemistry filled, well oiled machine.

Will they be playoff contenders? Probably not Jeremy, find your break and pump it. But, to say that this Nets team that was left for dead, ass up on the side of the road isn’t making incredibly quick steps to legitimacy in this league would be wrong. This team will cause excitement. They play an up tempo and modern style that will refresh basketball fans and they will be one of the most exciting lower level teams in the NBA this upcoming season. I’ll see you all at the bottom.

LaBeouf Deserves an Oscar Nod for this Arrest

Haven’t seen Shia this irate since Beans farted on the beach of the stranded island in the Even Stevens movie. Apparently Saturday was a big one for LaBeouf. According to the Daily Mail, early Saturday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested in the heart of Savannah, Georgia for over aggressively asking a cop for a cigarette. What a world we live in. Shia was clearly 500% done with this cop as soon as the clinks reached his wrists. I’m almost positive half of the one liners he said in this video were from Jay Z early 2000 tracks. “Im a fuckin’ American, I pay my taxes”, “I got more millionaire lawyers than you know what to do with, you stupid bitch”. There’s no doubt in my mind those were off the Black Album. What tops it all off is that he legitimately plays the white card, “Why would I ask for a cigarette if I was racist, you stupid bitch.” BOLD. FUCKING. MOVE. COTTON. And I’m not gonna lie, Shia brings up an excellent point. Never once in my life have I ever met a man who asks cops for cigarettes while also simultaneously being racist. It’s in the boge 10 commandments that racism will not be tolerated by the cigarette smoking community who pay their taxes and are American.

This all being said, if history proofs anything, it’s that drinking with Shia LaBeouf will make for the time of your life. Whether its getting arrested for slapping Alan Cumming on the ass during a cabaret or getting arrested in Georgia for asking a cop for a Newport, life will guaranteed never be the same after a night on the town with Louis Stevens.Louis_stevens

“Boooooges, you stupid bitch”

Monday Night Raw Takeaway: Donald Trump + Kevin Hart’s Dad = LaVar Ball

LaVar Ball is a mad man. Everything that he does is so painful to listen to but you kind of don’t want him to shut up because his actions are so cringe worthy that it’s reversed into must watch television. It would almost be a brilliant marketing move on his part if I wasn’t 100% positive that this man has no idea what in God’s name he’s doing and is just a legitimate jackass. Back to the story, earlier this week on Monday night, LaVar and his younger son LaMelo finally hit the big leagues. They entered the Mecca of the sports world, Monday Night Raw, to spread the good word on Big Baller Brand to the likes of a fashion icon in his own right, The Miz. These legends will not sit around and ride the coat tails of Lonzo. It’s just not in the script for Lavar. That’s not Ball family ethic. I mean, can you blame LaVar? Think of the track record of celebrities coming onto Monday Night Raw.

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Check mate. I’m not saying that a Monday Night Raw appearance delivers a clear path to the White House but I’m not not saying that a Monday Night Raw Appearance delivers a clear path to the White House. Did I just release the plot for season 6 of House of Cards? Of course not, but that’s exactly what the person who just released the plot for season 6 of House of Cards would say. Now let me hop back out of devil’s advocate for a hot second.

On the other side of this two pronged argument is Kevin Hart’s dad. For those of you who haven’t heard of this wild card, here’s a glimpse into how Kevin describes growing up with this man was like:

Aaaaaand now back to LaVar

Now of course I’m not insinuating that LaVar Ball does drugs, I think, but if you try to tell me that that is anything but the no draws run, you’re not only lying to yourself, but mankind at large. You best believe LaVar has all makes and models of nature swinging down south for the WWE world to see. On top of that, how can you not say that the spelling bee story has LaVar Ball written all over it. If there was a Ball brother named LaKevin who participated in spelling bees and debates I can only imagine that LaVar would be screaming that shit verbatim.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIIIIIIGHT. Ball 2020

Clooney Remains Unbeaten at Life

George Clooney’s life is tough. Nothing seems to ever go this guy’s way. Keep your head up all star – you’ll get your big break one day. This expression is thrown around a lot, but this man is simply unreal. Like not real. This man’s life is an endless cycle of straight W’s and I’m not even mad about it. I literally eat this shit up. I’ve never seen a life more flawless. Has donned the honor of Sexiest Man Alive, check. Plays Danny Ocean in Ocean’s trilogy, check. Silver fox hair that makes the models of Just For Men wake up in cold sweats at night, check. Got married later on in life so he could make love to the most beautiful women on earth, check. Married to a smoke from a foreign country that’s a world diplomat, check. His teeth are so perfect they’ve been said to have been the soul reason people go into the dentistry field. BRAD PITT IS HIS SIDE KICK. Must I go on? This man has life on an absolute leash. Just repeatedly making it his bitch day in and day out. But of course, when it rains it pours. Clooney is now selling his tequila company he made as a small hobby for $1 Billion.

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HA HA! Whoops!! God dammit Clooney I can’t even hate you. To answer the question that no one asked me, no, this doesn’t surprise me one bit. For George its just another day at the office. Bravo Clooney, keep doing you, you incredible, incredible specimen of human life.

Cavs Plan on Trading Lint in Belly Button and a Tooth Pick for Jimmy Butler

Yes fans, you read that author line correct. The king returns to his throne. The return is in full force. And to all those saying only 3 people read this blog I say to you, idgaf queue the music…

Back to the matter at hand. I’ve seen like 30 headlines in the past couple of days saying that Jimmy Butler and the Cleveland Cavaliers are pushing for a trade that would send him into the holy hands of LeBron and Kyrie. Now lets fantasize for a minute on how sick that would be. Kyrie floating perfect lobs to LeBron as LeBron, in mid air, lobs one up to Butler for the emphatic slam finish. Just absolute 82-0 caliber fantasy shit. Cream your jeans type material. They’d resurrect Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Quicken Loans Arena with the faces of LeBron, Kyrie, Jimmy and KLove.

Now, back to reality. This will never happen. I’m like 86.7% sure that it won’t. Jimmy Butler is a top 3 Small Forward in the NBA. You know what Top 3 Small Forwards in the NBA get traded for? Top 3 picks, often times, multiple top 3 picks. You know what the Cavs have to trade? Channing Frye and a scrap book of LeBron’s mom Delonte West made in like 2006. They have absolutely no trade chips to get a superstar talent like a Jimmy Butler. Therefore, how in God’s name do they plan on getting a player like Butler. LeBron might send his mafia out to take down dudes like David Blatt so he can get one of his boys to become his head coach, but this is a different organization we’re talking about. And Bulls GM Gar Forman ain’t no bitch LeBron. This is the face of a man that’s been on the wrong side of a mob hit one too many times in his life. He’s adapted to it.

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So don’t read into the hype kids, this is fake news at its finest. Honestly shocked this story isn’t headlined all over the Failing New York Times. As much as I’d love to see Jimmy Butler join the Cavs and give us the most enticing East Side/West Side rivalry since Biggie and Pac, unfortunately Delonte’s stock is way down and its not rising in the foreseeable future. For now, the most exciting supporting cast story Cavs fans will have to enjoy is Deron Williams denying the fact that he’s bald and taking Boozer Avenue. Our thoughts and prayers go out to your hairline DWill.

The Yankees Have Found a Way to Make Being a Judge Fan Uncool

Why.

Why do this. What is the need for this. Oh, a lucky 18 fans get to be moved to the ass crack of the right field seats where if they squint and look at a 40 degree angle they’ll catch a glimpse of Aaron Judge shagging a fly ball? What a rush. Willy Wonka Golden Ticket type sex appeal right there. I feel like this is just gonna look like the Bleacher Creature’s annoying little brother that their mom is making them hangout out with. There’s nothing remotely cool about this and I loved the fact that people were dressing up like a judge and repping the wig and gavel this year. It was cool, we had our own thing, we had a player we could build a little fan community around. But this, this is like when you and your friends are saying an ongoing inside joke at lunch and the annoying guy that no one likes comes over and sits with you and starts to join in on the joke and everyone just gets quiet and uncomfortable, and he’s all sweaty, looking around staring at everyone to laugh but everyone just has their heads down, wishing he’d go away. *Catches breath*, stop trying to join in on our thing, you’re just making it weird. This is Busch League, Yankee Stadium, you’re better than this. This is what minor league affiliates that are so thirsty for fans they’d give their life savings to see over 50 people in the crowd do. Stop showing off your ass if you don’t have one, Yankee Stadium, you’ve got a pretty face, stick with that. When the Canucks had the green men humping the penalty box glass and annoying the shit out of opposing teams stars did they then go and reserve a section for the green men? No. You know why?? Because if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it.

So here’s a word of advice Yankee Stadium, you continue to be a stadium, with the beer and food we regrettably buy like its going out of style, and we’ll continue to be the fans and do the stupid, funny shit like dressing up as a judge and screaming horrible things at guys like Steven Sousa, Jr. Fuck that guy.

I refuse to have my stadium turn into Weenie Hut Junior’s. Even if it is Double Weenie Wednesday.

Joe Girardi is Phenomenal at Getting Tossed from Baseball Games

Aw yeah baby, the blog we’ve all been waiting for. This is the kind of topic most sports blogs don’t touch, too juicy. But not me, I’m coming at you 130 mph with the cold hard facts. This shit just solidified my spot for Pulitzer Prize consideration, I’m not even bragging. That’s right, tonight live and in action on the 1 and 2’s we’ve got America’s sweetheart, Joe Girardi. Before we jump into the details I’d like to start off by saying that I think Girardi is pretty ass at managing. For as stacked as the Yankees are, Girardi makes absolute common sense decisions look as challenging as robbing a casino in one night via card counting (shoutout Rainman shoutout Allen from the Hangover). This man puts Tommy Layne in so much you’d think the guy is the second coming for Christ/Mariano <-(these two names are synonyms btw). I will raise my children to hate Joe Girardi, and they’ll be better men for it, but I digress. There’s one thing that I absolutely love about this dipshit. My man absolutely muuuuuuuuuuurks getting thrown out of baseball games. I low key supported his 4 year contract extension strictly off of the fact that I get to watch this guy’s veins bulge out of his head when an ump tells him to sit his ass down another 10-15 times a season. To say Joe gets amped the fuck up is the understatement of the century. This man makes umpires reevaluate their lives when they toss him. The last one to do it quit his job and works in the perfume section at Macy’s now. Girardi never fails to amaze and tonight was no different. In the bottom of the 5th, following the sex panther that is pitching coach Larry Rothschild’s ejection, Joe came storming out barking at this umpire like he’s was the mailman delivering a jury duty notice. Thats when we sit back relax, and enjoy the program.

Oof, that’s what the boys back home call great content. As soon as Scott Barry gives the sassiest bitch ass toss I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching, Barkin Joe goes aaaaaape shit and I fuckin’ love it baby. Covering home plate with dirt is probably the biggest pet peeve you can throw onto the shoulders of an ump. Scotty B was definitley gripping his home plate brush so tight in his pocket when Girardi was making moves over there just saying in his head, “This motherfucker better not, HE BETTER NOT.” Oh Scotty boy, he did.

He should’ve known, you fuck with Larry Rothschild you get the bull and all makes and models of the horns. NO ONE fucks with Larry. Scott Barry’s no exception. Guy better sleep with his eyes peeled tonight, Girardi is coming for your home dish boss, he’s got mounds of sand and an aggressive attitude to go with it.

#FREELARRY2017

 

Sweet Mother of Christ, James Harrison: Episode 6,984

Summer bod coming along well? Seeing nice results at the gym? Awesome, happy for you, prepare to feel as soft as baby shit.

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*Jon Gruden gets boner spanning from sea to shining sea*

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“I’ll tell ya what man, boner city, great stuff, man.” Can’t blame Gruden on this one. Madness. Absolute madness. These hips could tear down cities. We could use them as a defense mechanism against Isis. You get smacked with one hip thrust from James Harrison and it’ll send you from New York to LA quicker than Delta ever could, even before they were beating up people in coach. Like to say that this is borderline obscene would be like saying Obama only dabbled a handful of times with dubbies in high school. Bull fucking shit, Barry O was a god damn chimney in high school and this shit, that I guess we’ll consider exercise, is absolutely unfathomable. So many questions we could ask from this Insagram post, you could literally open libraries filled to the brim with them. For example, who in God’s name wakes up in the morning and decides that they’re gonna hump out 5 reps of 695 pounds of iron? That thought alone should have laws against it. Also, what kind of 39 year old man does this? If your 39 years old, the hardest workout of your day should consist of lifting up the hangers of the different colored golf polos you want from TJ Maxx and/or Marshall’s (depending on personal preference). You should legitimately be in discount retail stores, James Harrison, this is insanity. Working out like this is so ungodly it makes my stomach ache out of complete and utter respect. You could be 65, speak 8 languages, ruled more than one country, made love to the most beautiful models, conquered the Roman Empire- doesn’t matter. You get one glimpse of this Instagram, your ass Benjamin Button’s straight back to a child. James Harrison is in such a high class on the man scale that Clint Eastwood is actually considered the opposite sex up there.

This guy is just an absolute man amongst boys to put it in simplest words. We all have to come together and use his powers for good. Harrison’s lower torso, if not now, soon will be considered the most lethal weapon on the face of the Earth. What’s that? Skeptics I’m hearing?? Show me one James Harrison in North Korea and I’ll stop talking…

Thought so.

Oh, and someone tell Shakira she lost her hips gig, thanks.

Jose Bautista Maintains Douche Bag Status, World Continues to Rotate on it’s Axis

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Good morning friends, family, faculty and esteemed guests. I’d like to discuss with you all the douchebag above. Tonight, our good friend from up north shook Atlanta, and for all we know, the entire state of Georgia when he gave the most irrelevant/cocky bat flip home run celebration May baseball has ever seen. It cut Toronto’s deficit in the game from 8-3 to a whopping 8-4. I genuinely do not understand it. Joey Bats literally craves pissing off opposing teams via bat flip. Like literally sits up at night brainstorming ideas of how to run around the bases in the most douchey fashion so that all 13 of the Braves fans at SunTrust Park can have their blood boiling.

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Look at this guy with the long hair to the left. I can literally hear him screaming “Chipper Jones didn’t die for this!!” through my computer screen. The sad part is, I’d be cool with it if it was anyone else doing this homer celebration. Literally, anyone else. Throw DJ Tanner from Full House in the batters box and have her pimp the shit out of home runs- she instantly becomes the biggest savage in the league. Sign me up, I’d be going ham in the stands with Uncle Joey, Danny, Jesse and the gang. Hell, even bring Uncle Joey’s puppets, just fuel to the fire baby. You get my point. Bautista can not be the poster child of bat flips. He’s so not likable. Lets go down the check list: He plays in Canada, he’s batting .208 while getting paid $18 million, he 111% juiced for years and got away with it,…he plays in Canada. I don’t know why I feel so strongly against him, I just do. I’d bet a good amount of money that he still wears his old varsity jacket at age 35. He’s just that type of guy.

To sum up this PSA, and I think I speak on behalf of every man, woman, and child who cares about the well being of baseball, when I say we’re tired of it Bautista, give it a rest. Bat flips are one of the last things left in the MLB that outsiders of baseball can say “wow, this guy’s balls must go past his knees”. Don’t be a dick and ruin this for us Bautista. Cough it up champ, its over. After Rougned Odor turns your face into a Mythbusters slo-mo cam clip, you can’t be the bat flip guy anymore. You knew that going into this. I didn’t write the rules, I just abide by them.
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You either die a hero or live long enough to get the sauce from the knuckles of a second baseman. End rant.