All posts by Reis

Division-I University of Maryland intramural flag football player, wannabe Jewish Frat star. Giants, Yankees, Thrones.

Reviewing Game of Thrones S7 E1

WARNING: Spoilers about the Game of Thrones season seven premier to come.  

Last night, after nearly 13 months of Throne-less Sundays, HBO finally released the seventh season’s first episode – “Dragonstone.”  In an episode that was clearly a set up for things to come in season seven, an episode full of high highs and low lows (cough cough Ed Sheeran) featured the return of the beloved Daenarys Targaryen to her home at Dragonstone, the rule of Jon Snow, a glimpse of Cersei’s future destruction, and Arya doing Arya things.  In 59 short minutes, we also watched Samwell doing unbelievably trivial Samwell things, Bran finally crossing back from beyond the wall, and the Hound acting as a changed man.

While I honestly did not love the episode as a whole, the cold open was as good as any I have ever seen.  I would even put it in the same ballpark as the fire drill cold open from The Office.  Arya stark murdering the entire Frey family in such a fashion showed from the show’s first minutes how exciting Arya could be this season, and I hope to see Arya continue to be a badass assassin.

While Arya was featured in the debatably episode’s best scene, she was also featured in the episode’s worst scene, kudos to Ed Sheeran.

For a show that has never been tacky in the past, I was a bit upset to see Ed Sheeran’s attempt to sell a couple million iTunes songs unnecessarily corrupt an episode of Thrones with his “new song.”  If it goes to iTunes, I urge my readers to download that one illegally… don’t let him win.  The only justification for the song is that it is actually from the books.  The song is sung by a character named Symon Silver Tongue, and in the song he threatens to expose Tyrion and Shea’s relationship.  Population of gingers in Westeros: Sansa, Tormund, Ed Sheeran.

The dynamic between Jon and Sansa interestingly progressed in this episode, with Sansa going at the King of the North in front of every other lord in the North.  Whether it is consciously or unconsciously, I think that Sansa understandably feels like she was robbed; she is not only the true born son of Ned Stark, but she is also the reason that House Stark won the Battle of the Bastards, and she has a unique understanding of Cersei Lannister.

Speak of the devil, Cersei is going full blown Mad Queen this season.  The women did not even want to mourn the death of her beloved children with Jaime.  Instead, she was already plotting an alliance with Euron Greyjoy to try and take on the dragon queen.  I have thought for awhile that Jaime would leave Cersei and team up with Tyrion, and this episode strongly reaffirmed that theory.  You may remember Jaime saying, “No one wants to fight on a losing side.  Right now, you look like the losing side.”  Not only would Jaime fall under the category of ‘no one,’ but he also did not say ‘we look like the losing side,’ rather he said ‘you.’  In future episodes, will we see Jaime, Tyrion, and Bronn take on Cersei together?  I pray to the Old Gods and the New that we do.

The new episode featured the Hound, but not the Hound that we have grown to love/ hate over the past six seasons.  We saw a man traveling with Thoros and Beric who actually seemed to have a heart.  As a man who could have killed a baby without flinching in earlier seasons, we saw a brand new emotion from Sandor: remorse.  Not only was he remorseful, but also a borderline believer in religion.  Looking into the fire is very significant for him because he has always been afraid of fire, credit to the Mountain.  The Lord of Light communicated with the Hound, further making me think that he and his traveling companions could have a larger than expected role in the war to come.

My biggest problem with the episode was the fact that viewers had to wait 385 days for the return, only to see Khaleesi say three words, and Tyrion say zero.  Not to mention the fact that a ton of precious showtime was spent on Samwell’s mundane life at the Citadel, only to discover something that many people already expected him to find.  With this being said, I think this season is going to be unbelievable, and this first episode was just the tip of the iceberg.  It set up the season nicely, and we can expect to see some top-notch television over the next seven weeks.   Winter is here, and it is going to be incredible.

Why I Hate DJ Funkmaster Flex

You know who the worst DJ in New York is? I’ll give you a hint, he looks like an ugly combo of Shaq and Draymond Green-

DJ Funkmaster Fucking Flex.

 

There is no radio host, TV anchor, author, poet, singer, athlete, politician, or convicted felon, that I hate more than DJ Funkmaster Flex.  If you’re unfamiliar with who this man is, first off, you are lucky.  He is the radio host of Hot 97 at night, and has a passion for destroying good music.  If you have ever sat shotgun in my car, you have probably seen me lose my shit when the poor, unknowing passenger clicks preset one, blaring his bullshit out the stereo.  Here is the problem with him — he does not know how to just let a good song live.  Let’s say he puts on Trufflebutter by Drake, great song!  Now all you have to do is let the fucking song play, and let the audience enjoy.  Instead, he tries to remix every second of the song, ruining an otherwise pure song.  Or, he will loop the intro — I love a good intro as much as the next guy, but when it is building up to a beat drop, let the damn beat drop instead of playing the same buildup over and over and over again.  It takes a special talent to actually have people petition for you to step down from your job.

I can imagine Funk Flex as the DJ at his high school…

“Today is April 12th, 1984.  It is a C day.  Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. 

“I pledge allegiance to the flag… I pledge allegiance to the flag… I pledge allegiance to the flag… *AIRHORNNNNNNNNN* I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERI…. (Last part in rapped like Kanye)

To be clear, my problem is not with Hot 97.  During the morning/ day, I love tuning in.  As soon as Funk Flex takes the mic though… DEATH TO HOT 97

Game of Thrones Theory: The End

Writing a theory about Game of Thrones is a lot like filling out a March Madness Bracket — not only are there infinite possibilities, but you can spend hours working on it, refining it time and time again, only to finish and think, “This is perfect, absolutely everything is going to happen just as planned.”  Next thing you know, 3 of your 4 final four teams lose in the first round and your bracket is busted.

If you’re like me, you have been counting down the days until July 16th, the day that the the only show that combines politics, war, incest, and of course, titties and dragons, returns to TV.  If you need a refresher from where season six left off, here you go —

Jon Snow

Sansa Stark

Daenerys Targaryen, Lord Varys, Tyrion Lannister, Theon Greyjoy, DRAGONS

Arya Stark 

Brandon Stark

Just kidding I don’t give a flying fuck about Bran.

Cersei and Jaime Lannister 

Petyr Baelish

The Night King 

There are so many questions remaining and so few episodes left, and the show could literally go in any direction imaginable.  With that out of the way, here’s my answer to the million dollar question — how does it all end?

DISCLAIMER: Most of this I thought of myself, some of it is from different online articles/ videos that I thought raised very good points.  

At the end of season six, Daenarys’ goal was to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, and Jon Snow’s goal was to lead the North to victory in their battle with the Army of the Dead.  In my mind, one cannot happen without help from the other.  The Targaryens will ban together, but not initially.  I think the season starts with disappointment; Daenarys and her ridiculously badass army of the Second Sons, a Dothraki horde, the Unsullied, three near-full-grown dragons, and the Greyjoys will face defeat in their first battle with Kings Landing (it pained me to type that bc fuck Cersei).  I don’t know how it happens, but I’m willing to bet it has something to do with wildfire (which will give the Dothraki Khal-Drogo-sized shits), and classic Cersei trickery.  The same outcome will occur to the North in their first showdown with the seemingly invincible dead.

After seeing Cersei’s madness come to complete fruition, despite his eternal love for his twin sister, Jaime teams up with his beloved brother and Dany, reuniting Bronn and Tyrion.

After these defeats, Bran decides to be useful and tells Jon that he is a Targaryen, giving him the idea to team up with Aunt Dany.  So thrilled that she is no longer the only Targaryen in the world, she jumps at the opportunity, but takes advice from my boy Tyrion to strike a deal- Daenarys, her dragons, and her army will help Jon defeat the Army of the Dead if he helps her claim the Iron Throne.  After a lot of boring scenes with Davos, Jon agrees.  With Jon striking from the the North, and Dany from the East, Kings Landing falls, and as the prophecy alludes to, Jaime sends his sword through Cersei’s back, reminiscent of him murdering the Mad King.

Together, with Dany on the Throne and Jon as King of the North, not to mention Yara gaining control of the Iron Islands, Westeros is united in the war against the dead.  It is at this time that he returns; Jorah Mormont, the most blue-balled player in Westeros, who has found a cure to greyscale and helps with the planning for the war.  Speaking of people coming out of nowhere, don’t think I forgot about about the fat one — no, not the butcher’s boy, but Samwell fucking Tarly.  After studying day and night (excluding time to bone Gilly) in the Citadel, Samwell discovers how to make Valyrian steel, giving the living a fighting chance.

When the Army of Westeros finally faces off against the Army of the Dead, none other than Petyr Baelish is riding on a white stallion next to the Knight King (steaming hot take).  You might remember Varys saying this of Baelish –

and I think he hit the nail on the head.  Unfriendly reminder- while I don’t think they will show him, Hodor will be fighting for the army of the dead (may he rest in peace).  In a showdown that puts the Battle of Blackwater Bay, Hardhome, and the Battle of the Bastards to shame, the living square off with the dead, with the dragons having a field day.  Who is riding the dragons you ask? Obviously Dany, throw on Jon Snow and his dragon blood, and finally, Tyrion (also a Targaryen?).  In a heartbreaking scene, Tyrion’s dragon is killed by the Night King, who climbs upon Khaleesi’s dead child, resurrects him, and flies into the sky with an ice-breathing dragon, fighting for the army of the dead.  Tyrion stays alive amid the mayhem, protected by his brother and Bronn.

In the most epic Game of Thrones scene ever, Jon and Dany fight the Night King, all upon dragon.  The three dragons fight above hundreds of thousands of soldiers, dead and alive, all fighting for their lives.  With tears flowing down her face, Dany is forced to (re) kill one of her children, taking down the ice dragon.  The Night King falls to the ground, and Jon dismounts to fight him.  After dismounting his dragon, the dragon breathes fire on Jon’s sword, lighting it ablaze, turning the sword into Lightbringer, making Jon the prince that was promised.  AZOR AHAI IS FINALLY REVEALED.  Jon defeats the Night King, and without his magic keeping the dead alive, the army falls, and the living are victorious.

At the end of the battle, after all of the time spent planning and preparing for battle, Jon and Dany look into each others’ eyes, realize they are victorious, and have the greatest, most anticipated TV hookup of all time.  Who cares that she is his aunt? They are Targaryens after all.

Arya, Ghost, Bronn, Grey Worm and Jaime rack up a combined kill-count of 500, and Podrick kills 50 with his metal sword, and 50 more with the sword between his legs.  At the end of the battle, Sansa and Brienne find Baelish, and after Sneaky Pete tries to pull some BS, Sansa finally tells Brienne to chop the asshole’s head off.

This theory needs a hell of a lot more Bran considering how much time the show has dedicated to him, and I am a big fan of aspects of this Bran the Builder theory.  Arya will marry Gendry, who Jon will legitimize, and they will rebuild house Baratheon.  I am probably crazy to think that not one Stark will die between now and the end of season eight, but a boy can dream.

The swords collected from the battle are used to create a second Iron Throne, forged by none other than Gendry Baratheon, and Jon and Danaerys sit side-by-side as King and Queen of Westeros.  Sansa serves as Warden of the North, with Tyrion returning as her husband.  The series ends with a know-it-all quote from Varys about how the Realm is finally at peace, and we all start googling when the spin-off series is coming out.

 

Valar Morghulis my friends.

Evil Losers. Sad!

Last Monday night, a heart-breaking terrorist attack took place at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.  The bomber, who very recently traveled to Libya for three weeks, was named Salman Abedi, and the attack took the lives of 22 innocent people, including one police officer.  ISIS has since taken credit for the attack.

Who knew this website reported (some) legitimate news?

President Trump, in a true display of a mastery of the English language, utilizing eloquence and the diction of a 3rd grader who just got his toy truck stolen on the playground, called terrorists “evil losers.”

 

Now he did justify his word choice by saying that he would have called them monsters, but he thought that they would have liked that.  He acts as though “monsters” and “evil losers” were the only two options that he had when describing these terrible people; there are 171,476 words in the English language, however the best combination of words that Trump could formulate included a word that puts most 5 year olds in a time out.

 

We have seen the War on Drugs, we have seen what seems like a never ending War on Terror.  Now, in 2017, we have the War on Evil Losers.  Has a nice ring to it.

 

 

HOT TAKE: LaVar Ball is the BEST Thing to Happen to Basketball in the Last 100 Years

Unless you’re Patrick Star, you have heard the words of Nike exec George Raveling claiming that LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the past 100 years.”

Based on all of my basketball experience, making it all the way to becoming a backup Junior Varsity shooting guard, I can confidently tell you that my man Georgie is not only incorrect, but in fact, he could not be more wrong.

Before I begin telling you why LaVar is the GOAT (yes, it did pain me to write that), lets get some things out of the way.

  1. LaVar has absolutely no clue wtf he is talking about
  2. His sexist comments on ‘The Herd’ are unacceptable
  3. He may have taught his kids to play “Chino Hills” cherry-picking offense, but we are yet to see this transfer to the NBA, let alone March Madness success
  4. It is absurd that I could literally board United flight 758 from Newark to LA just to beat the shit out of LaVar for $53 less than a pair of “Big Baller Brand” shoes

Now, we get to the fun part.

The NBA has had a viewership problem in recent years, with viewership declining 6% from the 2015-2016 season, and the amount of viewers being nowhere close to the NFL’s.  They need a reason for people to be excited to watch the NBA, and the product of LaVar’s sperm, paired with his painfully pompous personality, has provided us with just that.

The NBA regular season and playoffs is nothing more than a really long wait to see the Cavs and Warriors battle in the Finals.  I do not care if you love the Celtics more than Bill Russell, you’re playing yourself if you think they stand a chance against LeGoat and cast.  The NBA regular season/ playoffs needs some excitement, and the hype that LaVar has created can give us just that.

Let us assume that Lonzo goes #2 to the Lakers.  He would be rejuvenating the second most winning-est franchise of all-time not only with his undeniable ability, but also with much needed attention.  The last time the Lakers were relevent in a basketball sense was April 13, 2016, when Kobe dropped 60 for a 17-65 Lakers squad.  Since the Lakers last winning season in 2012-2013…

  • The Cubs won a World Series
  • Sochi, Russia hosted the Olympics
  • Leonardo fucking DiCaprio won an Oscar
  • A dead gorilla took over pop culture
  • Same-sex marriage was legalized

In no way is this poking at Harambe (may he Rest in Peace), but it goes to show that one of the NBA’s most popular franchises has been out of the loop for far too long.

If Lonzo goes to the Lakers, the next day, Lakers’ merchandise sales skyrocket.  Not only do Lonzo jerseys/ shirts sell left and right, but so does all LA Laker gear just because of the thousands of Big Baller Bandwagoners.  Regardless of who the Lakers play on opening day, thousands and thousands more people will tune in just to see LaVar’s son play.  Even if these viewers want him to fail, they are bringing in some much-needed revenue to the NBA.

This can hold true for whatever franchise Lonzo finds himself playing for, and while Lonzo’s skill will propel his team, his father is what will propel fans.  His blasphemous personality, obscene statements, and lack of common sense make people want to know his every move.  There is a reason he has dominated the news cycle – if no one gave a shit, they would not report on him, yet they do.

In conclusion, I hope another person like LaVar is never, ever, ever born.  With that being said, since the only other person being hated on more by the media is Putin’s Puppet, he must be doing something right.