So the Washington Redskins are finally changing their team name, which has been a long time coming. It’s probably one of those things where our kids will shockingly ask us someday “wait, there was actually a team called the Redskins?” Although it’s taken them awhile, good on them for finally changing it. Since many people took offense to the Redskins, it got me thinking: how many other NFL team names could be considered offensive? Every single team, if you truly try hard enough.

Dallas Cowboys

According to my good friend Wikipedia (which I will now use as a source since I don’t have any teacher telling me I can’t), “The word “cowboy” is also used in a negative sense. Originally this derived from the behavior of some cowboys in the boomtowns of Kansas, at the end of the trail for long cattle drives, where cowboys developed a reputation for violence and wild behavior.” Definitely not what you want.

New York Giants

Giant? Are they trying to height shame their opponents? Every guy knows size doesn’t matter.

Philadelphia Eagles

According to a National Geographic article (which I could not read because I don’t pay for a subscription), a town in Alaska is “Besieged by violent bald eagles,” sometimes sending people to the hospital. Sounds pretty problematic to me.

Buffalo Bills

Bills? Bill Cosby? Disgusting.

Miami Dolphins

This article, “Dolphin Males Force Dolphin Females into Gang Intercourse”, says that dolphins rape each other. AFC East looking super sketchy so far.

New York Jets

What do suicide bombers fly? Jets.

New England Patriots

Mel Gibson starred in The Patriot. Mel Gibson has also made racist & homophobic comments. Enough said.

Chicago Bears

I’ll never forgive that bear for attacking the Commissioner at the end of Semi Pro.

Detroit Lions

Scar killing Mufasa in The Lion King is one of the most heinous murders in movie history. Scar was a lion. This deserves no place in football.

Green Bay Packers

What’s the worst part of any trip? Packing. You’re really gonna have a team named after one of the most annoying tasks out there?

Minnesota Vikings

In an article written by Patrick Cockburn (last name literally translates to chlamydia), he states that “In the case of the Vikings, many historians since the Sixties have ignored compelling evidence that they were mass murderers, whose atrocities were the equivalent of those carried out by SS divisions invading Poland 75 years ago.” An NFL team named after mass murderers? Oh hell no.

Baltimore Ravens

Wikipedia states that ravens are “often associated with loss and ill omen.” You want your favorite team representing bad things to come? Cancel that ASAP.

Cincinnati Bengals

Bengal tigers are carnivores, killing and eating numerous other animals to survive. While they are awesome, this is also deplorable behavior that sets a terrible example for children.

Cleveland Browns

Much like how “Redskins” is an offensive term for Native Americans, “Browns” is another offensive racial term that deserves no place in this league.

Pittsburgh Steelers

“Thou shalt not steal” is literally one of the Ten Commandments. What’s even worse is they spelled it wrong. Amazing there’s not more outrage over this.

Atlanta Falcons

The only source more reliable than Wikipedia is strangers on internet message boards. According to Claire Murray, who was self-employed from 2005-2016, “A lone Falcon might not harm a human too badly, but a group attack could be quite a painful experience. You could be left with a bullet sized puncture wound if they attacked you with their sharp beak.” That sounds scary as hell, absolute problem of a team name.

Carolina Panthers

Screenrant posted this blog titled “20 Things Wrong with Black Panther We All Chose to Ignore.” No chance I’m reading that, but I’m sure there’s some cancel-worthy content in there. I love Michael B. Jordan though.

New Orleans Saints

Saints? So now you’re forcing religion into football? Absolutely going too far. Cancel the Saints.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buccaneers are pirates. Pirates are “seamen robbers who attack, seize or destroy any ship at high seas and sometimes even harbors at the shore.” Pretty bad dudes, disgusting to name a team after them.

Houston Texans

The Texans are literally named after people from Texas. You know who’s from Texas? Lance Armstrong. You know who was a pretty fucking horrible person who ruined people’s lives to cover up his doping scandal? Lance Armstrong. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he did that or that he made had Americans watching cycling in the first place. Either way, cancel the Texans.

Indianapolis Colts

The term “colt” only describes young male horses and is not to be confused with “foal,” which is a horse of either sex less than one year of age. Excluding females in the year 2020 is a BIG no no. Cancel colts.

Jacksonville Jaguars

The 2019 Jaguar F-Pace was ranked the least reliable vehicle by Consumer Reports. Unreliable cars, unreliable team. Change the damn name.

Tennessee Titans

Titans are anything of enormous size and strength, and as we already established with the Giants before, size does NOT matter. Stop shaming guys with small dicks short people.

Arizona Cardinals

A cardinal is a leading bishop in the Catholic church. The only part of Catholicism that belongs in football is the Hail Mary.

Los Angeles Rams

The Smithsonian says that rams hang out in large all-male groups. Such a misogynistic animal should not have a team named after them.

San Francisco 49ers

49ers were literal Gold Diggers. The type that get lipo instead of Tyco with your money. Bad news.

Seattle Seahawks

I just found out that a seahawk isn’t even a real bird, it’s just another name for an osprey. Fuck that, cancel that shit.

Denver Broncos

Bronco? C’mon.

Kansas City Chiefs

I can actually, legitimately see how Chiefs fans doing the “tomahawk chop” is disrespectful and cancellable unlike 99% of the bullshit I’m making up in this blog.

Las Vegas Raiders

Raiders are “people who attack business premises in order to steal.” Not great role models whatsoever.

Los Angeles Chargers

About 240,000 incidents regarding lightning strikes and 2,000 deaths happen each year, which both seem WILDLY high. A team named the Chargers with the slogan “Bolt Up” is awfully tone death to these victims.