It’s been awhile since I did one of these. I originally wrote “I Don’t Trust People Who” Parts 1 & 2, and followed that up with a Thanksgiving edition. Just to clarify before everyone gets all bent out of shape, if you do one or more of these things, it doesn’t mean I actually don’t trust you as a person. These are just moves that confuse me more than Frank Costanza trying to figure out why the hell the Yankees traded Jay Buhner.
Rest in Peace, Jerry Stiller.
Without further ado, here’s the quarantine edition of people I don’t trust.
You dress like you would in the office just to work from home
If you haven’t been living in sweatpants this entire time, I have no idea what the hell is wrong with you. Even if you need to wear a presentable shirt because your job requires video chat, there’s no reason not to be wearing comfortable pants. I get that some people will hit me with the “I just feel more productive if I’m dressed like I’m at the office.” Well, the correct way to “feel more productive” is to drink five cups of coffee a day like every other normal person in America. I haven’t even looked at a pair of khakis in weeks. I’m ready to get back into the office, but the thought of not being able to wear sweats has me as grossed out as Kate rejecting White Goodman’s advances in Dodgeball.
If you’re dressing for the office, just to work from home, you can’t be trusted.
You’re a “sports fan” who “doesn’t miss sports”
Anyone who says this is most likely just an undercover cop. I’ve been lucky to spend a ton of time with my family during quarantine, but that being said, I miss the absolute shit out of sports. I routinely see things on Twitter like “no sports actually hasn’t been that bad.” Buddy, this has been BRUTAL. I was about to see Rutgers play in March Madness for the first time in my life, and instead the entire tournament got cancelled. I had tickets to Yankees’ Opening Day for the first time in my life, and now we’ll be lucky to get any portion of a baseball season. We would be in the middle of both the NBA & NHL playoffs right now. Anybody who regularly watches sports that claims they don’t miss watching them is either on drugs or has lost their mind in quarantine. Either way, they cannot be trusted.
You regularly call coronavirus “COVID-19”
Unless you’re Dr. Fauci himself, there’s no need to call it Covid. Just call it coronavirus, or corona. Just no need for the medical term, we ALL know what you’re talking about when you say corona.
You haven’t said “wow this is crazy” like 100 times
This is week 9 of quarantine, so obviously it’s become a somewhat normal way of life. That being said, I feel like every day something happens where I say “this is crazy.” Every time I walk into the grocery store with a mask and gloves on, I just think how wild it is that this is life right now. And no, I’m not complaining about it – anyone whining about wearing a mask is a total loser. But if I walked into ShopRite in January wearing a mask and gloves, I would get looked at like I had three heads. The fact that we’re under circumstances that make it normal is nuts to me. if you don’t keep saying how crazy this whole thing is, I can’t trust you.
You are Jay Glazer
People don’t forget that you made us wait 24 hours for this “league shattering news” Jay. It’ll be awhile before I can trust you again.
You didn’t restart your old blog to pass the time without sports
Can’t trust you if you didn’t do this. All the cool kids are doing it.