Why Does Facebook Treat Me Like a 13 Year Old Girl

A bit ironic of me to be hating on the social media platform that some of you may be reading this on, but to that I say 1) irony is stupid and 2) with great power comes great responsibility, and Facebook has a responsibility to provide us with the proper social networking.

With that said, Facebook is not doing it’s job.

Last night, when I logged onto Facebook, a video appears on my screen that sprang into song faster than a theater person listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. It’s throwing old pictures at me, ones from prom, ones from old baseball games, old Sweet Sixteens and family parties.  And don’t get me wrong, I love a good day-trip to Memory Lane. Shooting the shit with the boys talking about former teachers or days spent at Finch Park playing stickball and basketball (paid advertisement) is always fun.

But, and I’m speaking directly to you here Facebook…DO NOT MAKE ME A MONTAGE.

I am not a girl sitting with her two best friends at their 8th grade graduation party crying how much they’re going to miss these times, soon to be followed by some stupidly cliche Instagram post about how middle school was “the best time of their lives and we’re all going to miss Michelle when she goes to that private school”. Just like nobody is actually going to miss Michelle because their whole group secretly hated her, nobody wants your cliche photo montages, Facebook.

Is your purpose of this to get me to reach out to people? To try and relight the fire with old friends and actually talk to people out of my comfort zone? That’s not the world we live in. I go on Facebook to see who is pregnant that shouldn’t be, to see cool animal videos, and to watch people freak out about spending $1,200 on Pokemon Go.

THAT’S IT. Don’t try to fix what ain’t broke, Facebook. I’m sick of montages, I’m sick of Friendaversary’s, and I’m sick of you guys thinking I use Facebook to reach out to other people. Like Rocky said in “Rocky Balboa” (the sixth one, RIP Adrian), “the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows”, and Facebook needs a wake up call.

But keep the whole birthday thing, I need that.

In conclusion, unless they think we’re living in the world of Teletubbies and we’re out here trying to give every person in our montage a big hug, they need to know our demographic wants more crazy videos, and less pointless montages.

Side Note: If somebody made the Teletubbies a horror film, that would sooooo good. Creepy inbred aliens always hit big in the box office.


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